William “Bob” Robert Williamson, 69, has officially left the building, leaving behind three children (who we know of), a stack of unpaid child support notices, and a chemical legacy that finally caught up with him.

Bob passed away on 4/20, oh the irony. You literally can’t make that up. Concluding a lifelong, passionate romance with substances that he consistently prioritized over his own offspring. He loved a good high, and frankly, he spent his entire adult life a few miles higher than reality.

He is survived by his three children, Melissa, Garrett, and Dustin, who will remember him fondly for his uncanny ability to disappear whenever a diaper needed changing, a tuition bill was due, or a drug test was scheduled. Bob was a master of hide-and-seek; he hid so well in the local trap houses and dealer dens that his kids didn’t see him for most of their lives.

A man of few words (mostly because he was slurring them), Bob spent his years perfecting the art of pawn-shop negotiation. He loved cold beer, anything that could be crushed and snorted, and telling strangers at the local pub how proud he was of “his kids,” whose middle names he could never quite recall through the haze. He finally found a trip he couldn’t come down from.

In lieu of flowers, the family asks that you please check your copper piping, hide your valuables, and support local addiction recovery programs. Or, just show up to your kid’s baseball game sober. Per Bob’s lifelong philosophy of being completely unavailable, there will be no funeral services.

The children will celebrate his memory by continuing to succeed entirely without his chaos, just as they always have. He will be missed by his favorite dealer. Likely the one who laced his last score with fentanyl. His kids, however, are just glad they finally know his exact whereabouts and no longer have to lock the cabinets when he visits.